age

the Elder Sister called a few evenings ago in a huff. having sorted through the usual general greetings and felicitations, we got down to the business of why precisely she was in a huff this week. i mentally ran over the things i’ve done this week, to figure out if i was the reason behind the huff, but came to the conclusion that i was completely blameless for this week’s episode of huffiness. having raised my mobile phone bill to levels beyond my income level, she proceeded to inform me that the Niece had come home that day and informed her that she had gotten a boyfriend.

which, generally, would have been happy news, except for the fact that the Niece is 10 years younger than me. i remember feeding this kid, changing her diapers and babysitting her while her mother studied for exams. i remember times when i carried her around on my lap at parties and other social events. apparently, unbeknownst to me, she had actually grown up.

more importantly, she had a boyfriend, whereas her very eligible, rich, intelligent and good looking (not to mention modest) uncle was still single. no fucking fair!

having found my own personal moment of misery within the happiness of my niece, i proceeded to heap congratulations upon the elder sister. “your kids are growing up,” “today a boyfriend, tomorrow a husband,” etc. etc. ad nauseum. however, it turns out that congratulations were not what was desired by the Elder Sister at that time. instead, she was furious about the fact that the Niece had a lovelife (not, may i just mention, that her brother lacked one). apparently, the Niece was too young to talk to guys. such a revelation took me back to my own puberty talk from my father, delivered when i was only a tender 18 BLOODY YEARS OLD.

while i tried to explain that times had changed from 30-odd years ago when the Elder Sister was the age of the Niece, and that such behaviors are now considered acceptable among the youth of this country, the Elder Sister was having none of it. rather, she proceeded to inform me that my duty now as the loving caring uncle that i am was to find this guy and beat the living crap out of him.

right. just the start i need to another week.

having slightly calmed down the Elder Sister, to the point where she no longer insisted on ritual sacrifice but just a good whacking for the boy, i proceeded to inform her that i would have no part of the beating up of an innocent teenage boy who was having his first relationship. moreover, i expressed my distaste at the Elder Sister’s attempted interference into the Niece’s personal life. more importantly, i wasn’t beating up any teenage kid without at least seeing him first – what if he worked out and had muscles and ended up beating the crap out of me? some of the teenagers in this country scare the living crap out of me.

hence the Elder Sister and i agreed that the best way for all parties to proceed in this extremely strange and unforeseen situation would be for me to have a chat with the kid. actually, i didn’t actually agree to anything – rather my intervention was volunteered in this case.

and so it turned out that i would be taking the young boy out for a chat. why i couldn’t talk to the guy on the phone or in a place that did not involve me spending my hard-earned meager salaray is beyond me. but, apparently, as i was informed by the Elder Sister, it was my duty as an uncle to spend money on the Niece and the apples of her eye. i swear, she better marry this kid – i’m not taking out any other boyfriends she may develop.

so this evening, i sat at my favorite cafe waiting for this young romeo to appear.

now we all know that i end up in situations that have no previous precedent whatsoever – just look at how i ended up taking my foricbly betrothed’s cousins out for ice cream. so obviously, i had no idea how to react or behave in this particular situation. do i act tough and angry and ask him his intentions with the Niece? do i crack jokes about making out with girls that will leave him scarred and emotionally deficient for the rest of his life? do i just act like myself and hope that he doesn’t dump the Niece for having such eccentric relatives? in the end, however, i opted for a slightly angry but yet willing to negotiate state of mind.

i should have known i was in trouble when this kid walked in with one pierced ear, a black half-sleeve t-shirt with the name of some obscure death metal band and a pair of the baggiest jeans i have ever seen in my life. i should have been concerned when he came up to me and said, “hey man, what’s up?” i should have run for the hills when he sat down, leafed through the menu and ordered half the menu – the expensive half. but no. being the understanding and caring uncle that i am, i decided to withstand the painful assault on my eyes and my wallet and figure out what this kid was really like.

in retrospect, i don’t know exactly what i was expecting. i was hoping for a slightly bookish kid who would order the vegetarian dish, would dissect schopenhauer over the main course and show me on a napkin how waste products could be recycled into energy over dessert. instead, what i got was “the coolest kid in school” who proceeded to explain to me how the same angst-filled kill-me-now lyrics of every single death metal song ever written inspired passion in his soul, and how every single piece of music that i listened to was crap. by the time dessert rolled around, i realized that death was a more welcome eventuality than having to hear again how the rich guitar chords of children of bodom could inspire delight in the kid’s soul.

having paid an exorbitant amount that would have been enough for my own personal sustenance over a three-month period, i resolved to leave as quickly as possible. however, i was yet to experience the magic of death metal for myself, as the kid hopped into my car, threw my beloved ben harper cd into the nether regions of the backseat and put on what i swear was the simultaneous death rattle of several million banshees. i had to endure this cacophony for the duration of the forty minute ride to his home, by which time i was certain that my sense of hearing had completely abandoned me for eternity.

the minute i got home, the phone began to ring incessantly – the Elder Sister, calling to find out how the “getting to know you” session had been. at this point, every single injustice committed by my entire family upon me welled up, and i lied to the Elder Sister that the boy was akin to an angel descended from the heavens. let her deal with the pants falling off the ass and the pierced ear when she finds out about it, i figured.

late this evening, the phone rang again – the Niece, this time. debating on whether i should embark on a “what the hell is wrong with you?” speech, i tentatively picked up the phone, to be greeted with her giggles.

at which point she informed me that the apple of her eye had passed his own judgement upon me – for an “old dude”, i was still quite “cool”. she hung up thanking me profusely for my positive review of the guy to her mother.

now i’m in a quandary. i don’t know whether to be pissed off at the Niece’s awful taste in guys, or to be ecstatic that teenagers still think i’m cool.

hmm.

stats

spiderman often states, “with great power comes great responsibility”. thanks to google analytics, i finally know how that feels.

here at eLeCtRiKbLuEs we care a lot about your interests and tastes, and so we keep a keen eye on what grabs your interest. part of this is to determine what brings you to eLeCtRiKbLuEs in the first place, and in a timely manner providing you with what you need. that’s where google analytics comes in handy – to wit, it helps us to determine how you found us, and gives us an idea of how we can serve you better.

thus, with this noble venture in mind, i set out to check the keywords logs for the site, to figure out how exactly people end up at my blog, and which aspects of this blog stimulate the minds of visitors the most.

the results are shocking. very shocking, even.

here’s the top 15 search terms used by visitors to find eLeCtRiKbLuEs:

  1. electrikblues
  2. bangladeshi job
  3. bangladeshi khanki magi
  4. arrange marriage bio data
  5. freshmen fucking
  6. freshman orientation pointless
  7. new holland lied
  8. instructions blow job
  9. what is objective study
  10. khanki chudir story in bengali
  11. first blow job stories
  12. blow job
  13. “what home means”
  14. grandad fucking
  15. khanki magi

clearly, therefore, there is some sort of problem with the product being offered to you by us here at eLeCtRiKbLuEs. contrary to popular opinion, this blog isn’t just about how much i wish i having sex right now. however, out of the top 15 search terms for this blog, 8 are somehow or the other related to sex. the rest are motivational in nature – writing a bio data for an arranged marriage, how to do an objective study, and how pointless freshman orientation is. all of which, theoretically, are covered in this blog somewhere.

however, just so all you are aware, i haven’t given anyone instructions on how to give a blow job. aside from my usual bit of wisdom on this topic – “often”.

i will admit that all the words searched for and found are used in this blog at some point or the other. however, what i don’t get is how the entire gamut of perverts the world over managed to search for incongruous terms and ended up on my blog. everything from fucking freshmen to fucking grandad.

it’s also disturbing to note that a lot of people are quite obsessed with blow jobs. 20% of the people who found this website with the help of a search engine searched for something or the other related to blow jobs. almost as many people found this site through their obsession with bangladeshi prostitutes. is this what my fellow countrymen do on the internet these days?

in conclusion, if you’ve stumbled across eLeCtRiKbLuEs while searching for ways to get your jollies through blow jobs and bangladeshi prostitutes, please accept our deepest apologies. we at eLeCtRiKbLuEs are committed to bringing you the finest non-blow job and non-bengali khanki magi entertainment available.

p.s. to our regular readers, we apologize for the delay in transmissions. regular transmissions should begin again shortly.

p.p.s. welcome back, tom!

blow job

recently i posted an advertisement on a popular bangladeshi job search website, seeking an assistant to support me on my projects at work. the ad was posted three weeks ago and expired today, and in the meantime i received 261 applications. the requirements of the job were as follows:

  • bachelors of business administration or bachelors in economics from a reputable organization
  • age: 20 to 30 years
  • some experience with the private sector
  • some experience with development partners (donors in politically correct language)
  • excellent knowledge of the english language
  • proficient in using various totalitarian microsoft products

for this purpose, i stole some cool-sounding things from the job description i was issued when i worked for a certain development partner:

  • must develop an encouraging innovative approach and create, together with other staff, an open, team-based environment.
  • must create a work atmosphere conducive to teamwork, continuous learning and innovation; building alliances and promoting open communication and collaboration to achieve joint objectives;
  • must maintain high standards of personal integrity; establishing straightforward, productive relationships; treating all individuals with fairness and respect. Influencing and resolving differences across organizational boundaries.

which is basically a fancy way of saying that, even though the rest of us incessantly bitch about everyone else, the accepted candidate would avoid doing so, at least to our faces.

personally, i was of the opinion that the job requirements were quite simple and easy to understand, and would lead to only qualified people applying.

if you’ve read my blog for any length of time, i’m sure you know by now that i’m always wrong about everything.

so, of the 261 applicants:

  • almost 100 had majored in something other than business administration or economics, preferring to study subjects like geography, sociology, islamic studies, and, in one case, something called “peace and conflict studies”. as for the first three, i didn’t realize people still studied this crap. whereas the last one: wow, what the fuck?! what in the name of all that is sweet and holy is peace and conflict studies? what precisely does it involve studying? if i were to study peace and conflict studies, i would expect to learn about war strategies, or about the different types of tanks and fighters that have been used to fight in wars. come to think of it, that would actually have been pretty cool. fuck you, economics!
  • 74 were age 30 or more: the reason i asked for someone between the ages of 20 and 30 was so that i could boss this person around without any serious ethical and emotional issues about mistreating the elderly. one applicant was actually 57 years old!
  • 127 had completed their MBAs, but had no jobs: now this is actually a frightening statistic. it just goes to show that, in this country at least, an MBA is no longer valued as highly as it once was.
  • 183 were not proficient in english at all: this is best exemplified by this one resume i got which i could not, for the life of me, figure out. i mean, i understood the random word, mostly conjunctions and some verbs, but the rest of it was pure gunk and the word order had severe problems. to this day, i have no idea what “to study more well i want fine works in government anti organ baby since” means. if you know what this person meant to say, please let me know as i would love to find out. personally i think he was just drunk.
  • at least 130 do not check their email frequently: now, if you were applying online for a job, and gave your email address as the contact method, you’d theoretically check the account for replies more frequently than, say, once a month only, right? WRONG. i’ve received emails late in the process from people i shortlisted at the beginning and called for interviews. needless to say they were rejected. of course, this does not include the 12% who do not know their email address: i’ve had to deal with my fair share of hotmil.com (i agree, a million is hot), yaho.com (sounds like a pimp’s website) and mailg.com (or its younger brother mgail.com, which i wouldn’t know how to pronounce). of course the best was this enterprising fellow who deciding his email address was a website: his email was www.[username].yahoo.com. and speaking of email addresses, i was severely annoyed by the fact that people use emails that were theoretically supposed to be for personal use as their job application emails: daddymommy@gmail.com, loveme_143@yahoo.com and coolmanXXXXXXXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com (where the Xs represent his entire bloody mobile number) were probably the highlights.

but the absolute corker of it all, of course, was the fact that i had built a small test into the advertisement, and, at the absolute bottom of the ad, i placed some application instructions, basically asking the applicants not to apply through the website, but rather to email me directly.

guess how many out of the 261 actually followed the instructions or bothered to read what it said?

come on, guess!

give up?

okay i’ll tell you.

only 16 out of the 261 actually followed instructions and emailed me directly. the remaining ones were either too lazy to follow instructions, or simply did not read what the ad said.

therefore, given this cornucopia of entertainment and joy that arose out of the fact that people in this country cannot read, not to mention the constant calls on my phone with really stupid questions (“what is a recommendation letter?”, for example), you won’t think i’ve been hasty when i tell you that i ended up shortlisting only 11 out of the 261 applicants.

only thing is, now i wish i had shortlisted less.